How To Cope

The Bystander Effect

admin — Wed, 14 Nov 2012 16:34:13 +0000

As I read the story of Amanda Todd, like many, I was filled with a deep sense of sadness over the loss of yet another young life. As I continued to read and hear more of the circumstances of Amanda’s situation, my sense of sadness was quickly replaced with anger and frustration. It seems that the list of people taking their own lives because of the senseless violence of bullying appears to be getting longer.

I’m still dumbfounded as to how this violent behaviour is still allowed to continue. How is it that with all the discussions and campaigns, people both young and old continue to feel the overwhelming sense of powerlessness in which the only way to regain some sort of control over their situation is to end their lives? What are we missing? What are we getting wrong?

I believe that before we start putting together another “what to do if you are being bullied” list, we first need to step back to educate and raise awareness as to what bullying actually is. ABUSE. Physical, emotional, verbal, psychological, financial, social, environmental, religious abuse. Sadly, some of us still hear “bullying” and think grade five schoolyard antics. Bullying IS abuse. We need to raise awareness regarding the short- and long-term effects of abuse, both from the perspective of the victim and perpetrator. We seem to want to forget the fact that many young perpetrators grow up, and then become perpetrators in our workplaces. And yes, I called the bullies perpetrators. Let’s not mince words; that’s what they are.

Secondly, we are constantly telling the victims of violence to report what is happening. Tell someone. ABSOLUTELY. Silence and isolation are what the perpetrator wants and needs in order for this violence to continue. Telling someone is paramount. However, I’m thinking it’s time that we stop putting the onus of reporting the crime solely on the victim.

What about us, the bystanders? How many of us walk away when we witness wrong-doing? And, not only in schools. What about our workplaces? We are aware of what is happening, and yet we walk away, worried about what might happen to us if we say something or get involved. If we know that abuse continues in silence, then how can we possibly stay silent? We know that if the perpetrator is interrupted, if someone just says something in defence of the victim, it stops. The victim will also realize the support doesn’t just stop after the initial reporting of the crime.

We are all aware of the horrific and ever-growing issue of abuse in our society. Maybe it’s time that we stopped diffusing our responsibly to help another in a harmful situation. We seem to forget that, as a society, we do in fact outnumber the perpetrators.

When we, as bystanders, walk away from witnessing abusive situations, we are giving it permission to continue.

Vivian Cannataro

Trauma Counsellor

Vivian Cannataro is a trauma counsellor, EFTCert-II practitioner, author, and presenter. She has worked as a front-line counsellor and public educator for several years in the Peel Region. In her private practice, she specializes in working with survivors of violence and sexual assault. She is also the founder of COPE Education Programs, a series of experiential workshops specifically designed to learn new, more effective ways of thinking and being. These skills-based workshops teach individuals very highly effective tools that allow them the opportunity to develop and re-connect to their personal empowerment. Vivian also presents to high school students in the Peel Region on the long-term effects of bullying and abuse, as well as healthy and unhealthy relationships. She also facilitates training seminars to clinicians and peer referral agents. Vivian’s international practice includes one-on-one counselling sessions, both in person and via phone, as well as training programs, workshops, and speaking engagements. Her combined life and professional experiences make her a very knowledgeable and skilled presenter. The consistent feedback received from those who experience her workshops and one-on-one sessions is that her sense of humour and compassion deeply impact them. She sees both as essential tools to get through life and help others.

The BCDs of Parenting—Boundaries, Communication, and Discipline

admin — Mon, 05 Nov 2012 18:01:56 +0000

Parent Coaching

I have had many parents (mainly of the children I’ve worked with) ask me for guidance surrounding various parenting issues, including everything from potty training and hours spent playing video games, to dealing with the inevitable power struggles they’ll have with their children.

Sadly, children don’t come with manuals. Yet we seem to have this expectation (as parents) to know exactly what to do and how to handle things at any given moment, and it has to be done perfectly, with no long-term ramifications. The reality is that our knowledge about parenting comes from how we were parented, meaning we will more than likely raise our children the way we were raised (to some extent), because it is the only way we know how to parent. But is that how you want to raise your children? Or do you want to explore other options, perhaps a better way for you and your children to navigate the ups and downs of family life?

Words cannot express the gratitude that I have for all your help, support, and caring…your knowledge and gift of tapping [an acupressure technique] has brought my baby back to us. Thank you.

Patricia, Burlington

Many parents feel overwhelmed and confused with the influx of information on the do’s and don’ts of parenting. We’ve seemed to stop trusting our own judgments when it comes to raising our own children! Many of us won’t call our parents to ask for any kind of advice, because we’ve decided that’s not how we want to raise our children. As a result, many parents feel a lack of support while trying to do the best they can with what they know.

Parent coaching is not about judging whether what you’re doing is right or wrong; it is about working with you to personalize boundaries that will help you maintain and develop your own family’s values. Together, we work towards developing skills and practical tools to help guide you through the natural struggles and conflicts that come with parenting.

Coaching sessions are done mainly by phone, with e-mail follow-up sessions to ensure continual progress towards a less stressful and more enjoyable family environment.

Please contact me for further information regarding monthly session packages (billed by the minute, much like cell phone time) or our BCDs parental workshop to be held November 17 and 18, 2012.

Emotional Exercise

admin — Mon, 15 Oct 2012 15:21:34 +0000

I still find it surprising that so many of us continue to struggle with our bodies. We trek off to the gym, Pilates or yoga studio to perform some kind of mild torture. While we may feel a sense of accomplishment and , dare I say, pride, it is typically short lived. For many of us, we continue to hear that very judge mental and stubborn voice in our own heads telling us that we should be able to do better or do more.
I consider myself to be quite active, have been since I was a young teen. Although my body hasn’t changed drastically in size or shape over the years, I have noticed that I have become more comfortable and confident about my body, and more importantly, about who I am. So, I began to question what changed. My diet? Workouts? No. I realized I have been spending as much time on building my emotional strength as I have been on my physical strength.
As women, we are constantly doing. More often than not, we are doing for someone else. In fact, the only time we can justify doing something for ourselves is when we say we are going to do some sort of physical activity. Many of us don’t realize the importance of working on our emotional well being. I know, right about now you are thinking that you do Yoga and meditate. Wonderful. But what about actually basing your decisions on doing things that act in your best interest?
How often does that happen? How often do you agree to do something because you’re afraid of the other person’s reaction if you say no? How often do you beat yourself up and sit with resentment towards yourself? When was the last time you said ‘no’ to doing something without guilt, then rushing into a stream of justifications and reasons why you had to say no? Sound familiar? Sadly, it’s a daily occurrence in many of our lives.
We continuously put everyone’s needs above our own. It’s become habit for most of us. What we don’t realize is that every time we put someone else’s feelings above our own, the direct message that we send to ourselves is “I am not as important as….” Overtime, this message completely destroys our self esteem and self worth.
While our jeans might fit a little baggier and the numbers on the scale decline, there is still that judgemental, stubborn voice telling us that we should be able to do better, do more. How can we possibly feel good about our physical selves when our self worth has been weakened? So, stop exercising? Absolutely not! Exercise is extremely important and has many benefits to your physical and psychological health. Continue doing whatever challenges you. Go for a walk, a hike, get outdoors whenever possible. There have been many studies to prove the importance of physical activity. Exercise helps release endorphins into our system – they’re the ‘happy’ hormones! I recommend exercise to each one of my clients.
My suggestion, however, is to also do some exercises for your emotion health. Here is an exercise I ask all my clients to do: Every time you have to make a decision, regardless of how small or monumental, ask yourself ‘Am I acting in my best interest?’ Be honest. Another question, ‘Am I doing this because I want to, or because I feel that I have to because I am worried about the other person’s reaction?’ Base your decision of YOUR answer and how YOU feel about it. Nothing else.
Physical exercise is great and has many benefits. Continue building your muscles and your body strength. Just add in building your self esteem as well. You’ll appreciate your physical accomplishments that much more.
In the spirit of knowing all will be well.

Vivian Cannataro
www.howtocope.ca
info@howtocope.ca
Vivian Cannataro is a trauma counsellor, EFTCert-II practitioner, author, and presenter. In her private practise, she specializes in working with women and children. Her personal and professional experiences have led her to the conclusion that low self-esteem and self-worth are at the root of all self-destructive and self-sabotaging behaviours. Her experiential workshops are specifically designed to address the issues that affect women’s self-worth and to explore where these joy-limiting behaviours originated, and to help eliminate them so you can live the life you want. For further information, please visit www.how2cope.net

Recognizing, Responding & Eliminating Bullying in the Workplace

admin — Tue, 02 Oct 2012 15:19:13 +0000

Recognizing, Responding & Eliminating Bullying in the Workplace
Bullying was a term that we heard often as kids in the school yard. Sadly, many of us have realized that some of those childhood bullies have grown up to become workplace bullies. Workplace bullying is a serious problem that can profoundly effect the mental, emotional, physical and financial health of the bully’s target. Bullying can also contribute to high stress levels, absenteeism and loss of productivity at work. Because workplace bullying is often emotional and psychological, it can be hard to recognize. The most harmful forms of bullying are typically more subtle rather than direct and verbal rather than physical. This workshop is designed to teach individuals how to recognize, respond and eliminate bullying in the workplace. This experiential workshop offers insightful tools and strategies on how to eliminate this detrimental behaviour effectively and quickly in the workplace.

What’s Your Label??

admin — Mon, 01 Oct 2012 15:15:25 +0000

It was suggested to me by both my homeopath and life coach to ‘slow down and reflect’ on the day to day events of my life. While trying to do this never before exercise, I quickly realized that although I had the willingness, I lacked the capacity. I’ve always seen myself as the ‘go getter; get the job done; hyper’ type person. That’s also how those closest to me describe who I am. In short, it’s my label. A label I wear diligently and with a tremendous amount of pride. Problem is, wearing this label doesn’t allow much time to reflect and be in the moment. Although helpful at times, this label has become somewhat detrimental to my growth. When I began to think more about this label, I realized that I’ve allowed it to define me.
As I continued to explore this, I noticed that most of us wear some kind of label. Perfect mom. Smart businessman. Sensitive. Anxious. ADD. The list of labels we have had placed on us seems to be endless. Somehow, we became so comfortable with these labels that we have allowed them to define who we are and how we think. What I find fascinating is that in most cases, it wasn’t even us who decided to wear these labels to begin with!! We’ve allowed ourselves to be labelled simply by becoming what we think other people want us to be. Wearing these labels stops us from listening to ourselves. When we continuously wear these labels, we base our decisions on how others want us to behave. It’s become second nature to second guess ourselves. We’ve disconnected from how we define ourselves. We’ve disconnected from our power.
On October 27 & 28, 2012, during the How to Cope workshop, learn how to remove your labels and take back your power.

Vivian Cannataro, Trauma Counsellor, EFTCert-II
info@howtocope.ca
www.howtocope.ca

Observing the Moment

admin — Tue, 25 Sep 2012 15:17:39 +0000

I had deluded myself into thinking that once summer arrived and my kids were out of school, life would magically become less busy. No school meant no lunches to pack, no homework to check, no last minute project supplies to run out and buy, and no dreaded student agenda to go over. Well, here we are in the middle of July and I seem to be busier than I was in May!! Even with the best of intentions and strategic planning, busy always seems to creep into our lives.
Busy seems to have become a habit, almost an addiction in having to do something. When was the last time you were just able to sit and be? Do you know how to be in the moment or does each moment seem to blend into a busy blur? I was just wondering how we are supposed to be in the moment when we are constantly trying to do or fix the next thing coming our way.
Now, there is always ‘slowing down’. I hear that quite a lot. Sadly, not many of us have the luxury (I myself lack even the capacity) to slow down. So how do we stay present and in the moment? What does it even mean?!? To be in the moment means to truly enjoy what you are doing in that moment, regardless of what it is. If you truly enjoy it and feel that joy, you are in the moment. You are in the present. When we are out in nature and truly seeing the beauty of what lies before us, we are in the moment. So how do we incorporate that joy into our daily lives?
I have found that reminding myself of one thing keeps me in the moment with my friends, family and clients. I remind myself (very often) that I am just an observer bearing witness to a story. As an observer, I don’t have to do or fix anything. I just have to be in the moment of whatever is happening or being said in that moment. As an observer, there is no judgement or shame, only patience and calm. As a fixer or doer there is only strife, turmoil and anxiety.
When I am listening to my clients, I am an observer. When I am talking with my kids, I am an observer. When I am out on a run or on a hike, I am an observer. Being an observer takes the pressure off. It allows me the opportunity to find joy in everything, even difficult situations. As an observer, I am better able to navigate through difficult situations and understand the lesson I am being taught so I can move on. As an observer, I am better able to guide.
It is a daily practise, something I remind myself of constantly throughout my day. Some days are easier than others, but it is a conscious choice I make to be an observer at every given moment to stay in that moment.
So, the next time you find yourself stressed or feeling overwhelmed, ask yourself if you are being an observer or a fixer. It is a choice and entirely up to you.

In the spirit of knowing all will be well.

Vivian Cannataro
Trauma Counsellor, EFT-Cert II
info@howtocope.ca
www.howtocope.ca